recovery is weird

Being an addict isn’t easy. Early recovery is somehow even more difficult. I am patiently waiting (ok, not so patiently) for things to suddenly become effortless, as if a switch somewhere has been flipped and there no longer exists in me any desire to use. I have been healed. I am recovered! It’s been a wonderful 9 days, and now I’m off – ready to spread my wings and fly away an ex-addict. Thank you Recovery!

Unfortunately, that isn’t going to happen. The addict within me that I have spent years fostering and building up isn’t going to just disappear in an instant. How many times did I make the intentional decision to use when every other aspect of my life was falling apart? What about all of the times I drank as a way to ‘celebrate’ the good times – creating a tight, intimate bond between my addiction and my happiness? I can’t just erase all of that and start anew, pretending that didn’t happen. On the contrary, I need to remember it and process it and use it to develop a better me.

Every day that I reject the urge to use I will get stronger and the broken, tormented addict within me will get a little smaller. But it’s not going to be easy, not by a long shot.